Don't Stand So Close to Me

Working in corporate America, a person might expect to be near some of the brightest and classiest minds our country has to offer. The ideas that TV creates when watching some office-based drama would lead you to believe that everyone is making six-figure incomes, dresses in suits and has daily world-changing ideas that will rock the industry in which that person works. I'm sure there are people out there in the world like that. Sadly, my office is not one of those places.

Oh, sure, we do have some people that fit that initial description. But they don't work in my office building. No, they likely reside in our corporate headquarters back on the east coast, hobnobbing with politicians, schmoozing with bigwigs and going to nightly dinner parties in some of the most posh settings that the Beltway has to offer. What we have here on the left coast are the ditch-diggers. Sure, they're mostly good people. But if you thought they were all ridiculously smart when you started, that bubble burst the first time you ran into one of them in the men's room (and I would expect, to a greater or lesser degree, the women's room).

As such, I feel it necessary to lay down a few rules of bathroom etiquette for the uninitiated. I don't know why it is I should have to do this, but evidently, a few people missed the memo when they were children.

1.) If your bathroom has multiple urinals, it is common courtesy to use the one farthest away from the door. It provides some semblance of privacy to both you and the other fella that may follow you in, so that you're not consciously aware that another guy's wang is within spitting distance.

2.) If you're forced to pee while standing right next to another guy and his wang, you have 3 options in which to look: Straight ahead, straight up or straight down. If your eyes veer or your head tilts off of this plane in anyway, you're subject to either getting peed upon or beat down.

3.) Do not feel the need to talk to me when I do my business. It means you were looking at me and recognized me, which also means you may now be intimately familiar with my wang. This is unacceptable. If you catch me at the sink while washing my hands, that's fine. Otherwise, keep your big yapper shut.

4.) Do not have phone conversations in the restroom either. It's just bad form. And for the love of all that's holy, do not have a teleconference on your cell phone while you take a dump. Because the people on the other line are either going to hear it when you flush the can or it means you have no intention of flushing to avoid the embarrassment, leaving your brown trout to be handled by the next poor soul that uses that particular commode.

5.) Some people have a problem with the fact that you need to release some flatulence when you pee. It's wise to avoid it when in the presence of others. Personally, I don't have too much problem with this. I mean, we are in the restroom, for crying out loud, so if it's me, cut away. But if it's gonna be a wet one, please wait until I've allowed ample space to make a clean getaway without having to walk through your cloud of noxious gas or slip on the wet spot that's running down your leg and onto the floor.

Sure, there are many, many more rules to bathroom etiquette than just these simple five. And this list will likely be updated as warranted by other restroom ventures. But these five are a great starting point and should be adhered to in even the most dire circumstances.