Theories of a Madman

Have you ever been drunk to the point you don't remember certain parts of a particular evening? And the next day, a friend informs you of some of the more embarrassing things that you were able to accomplish amongst friends, family and complete strangers?

Yeah, me neither.

But a friend of mine had this happen over the course of the weekend. Blitzed out of her mind, she began snogging some random guy in the bar. She, of course, denies remembering any of this, which is all well and good. However, she sent a text to me yesterday apologizing for her behaviour. Seeing as she was simply having a good time and was among friends, none of us would've let anything happen to her. But she claimed to be a "mental and emotional wreck" the following day. So I told her my theory on the evolution of alcohol and why apologies are rarely necessary for drunken make-out sessions with random people.

I believe during the prehistoric era, primitive man ruled supreme (except for those pesky T-Rex guys). When primitive man came home from a hard day of hunting/gathering, he wanted nothing more than dinner on his cave floor and a little lovin' from primitive woman. Should either of those two things be unavailable when primitive man wanted them, he'd grab his club and bash primitive woman over the top of the head. Not hard enough to kill, mind you. But hard enough to maybe knock her out so primitive man could do whatever kinky sexual things he wanted to that primitive woman would never allow if she were awake and cognizant.

Eventually, primitive woman would awaken and wonder what the hell just happened. And at some point, she got wise. Looking at primitive man's club, she realized it was nothing more than a stick, something she could find outside of her cave and heave just as well as primitive man. When he came back from his busy day of hunting/gathering, she whacked him a good one, just because she could. She wouldn't have to cook for him that evening and, dammit, he'd keep his grubby hands off of her. It would be a restful night for primitive woman.

When primitive man woke up with one helluva headache, he realized primitive woman had gotten too smart for him. He had to devise something else to make her succumb to his manly charms. This ultimately led to the invention of alcohol.

Making the first still out of rocks, twigs and dinosaur hide, the resulting alcohol probably tasted more like animal dung than what we have today, but considering it was 200 proof booze, taste didn't much matter. A good, strong whiff was enough to guarantee a raging hangover the following day.

Now, when primitive man came home from his long day of hunting/gathering, he'd ensure the still had prepared a stiff drink for primitive woman. Early on, she'd drink it willingly. After time, peer pressure was required. Either way, primitive man was certain to score that evening. Primitive woman would still wake up the next day with the same headache, but the bruising and bleeding from being clubbed over the head came to a stop, so she had that going for her. Which was nice.

Now, tens of thousands of years later, not much has changed. Guy wants to score with his significant other, but knows there's no chance, he'll get her lit up on Jaegermeister and Red Bull.

I suspect this is what happened to my friend this past weekend. As such, she owed me no apology.

Though, if I were a true friend, I probably would've been there to offer a couple aspirin the next day.