10 Things Every Man Wants From the Woman In His Life

Ladies, it's come to my attention that women's magazines aren't going anywhere any time soon. Things like Cosmopolitan, Allure and Marie Claire are determined to sully grocery store aisles for all of eternity, promising to fill your head with the idea that your man truly wants to be in touch with his inner emotions.

This, naturally, is hogwash.

We don't like most of our emotions, which may explain why we usually display an impassive demeanor as you discuss the latest episode of "Oprah's Big Give." Yeah, it's a nice gesture. But she's the richest woman in the world. She can afford to buy that poor family an SUV, though they'll never be able to afford the gas to drive it.

As a public service for any of my female readers that happen to stumble upon this little wasteland of the internet, I shall provide you with 10 things that men do truly want. Feel free to use them in your manipulation tactics. Yes, we know you use them on us. We just don't really give a damn.

1.) We like lingerie. This shouldn't be any kind of state secret. But if you buy a flimsy negligee for $100 only to stuff it in the back of your drawer, it doesn't mean a whole lot to us. Bring that babydoll outfit out every once in a while. Entice us. We like how it looks on you, even if you're not particularly enamored with your body.

2.) Surprise us with gifts. Yes, this is something that goes both ways. We sometimes surprise you with flowers or candy or take you on a shopping spree for the latest springwear. Naturally, we don't care for flowers. They die. And candy's nice, but unless she's a stripper and you're willing to do a threesome with her, we can get a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup at our work vending machine. Grab a couple tickets for the local baseball team that's playing on Friday night. Go with us. And at least pretend to be interested.

3.) Stop asking us the no-win questions. "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?" "Do you think she's pretty?" Goddamn, these suck! If we say no, we're lying. If we say yes, we're insensitive. It's a Catch-22 for men. Please avoid these as if your life with us depended on it.

4.) Be open about your sexual desires. Men are typically the dominant ones when it comes to initiating sex. For the most part, that's fine. But if you've never made the effort to get your loved one in the sack, don't be surprised if your sex life suffers as a result. Men will reach a point where it's just not worth the effort and resort to internet porn. This may be a suitable option for you sometimes, and that's ok too. But eventually it gets old. For both of us.

5.) Learn sports. There are some women out there that are worlds smarter than some men when it comes to this topic. Clearly, I'm not talking about you. But for the women that don't know the difference between the World Series and the Super Bowl, it would behoove you to learn a bit more about a topic that excites us. I'm not saying you should learn the intricacies of the Quarterback Option, but knowing what the QB's role is, as opposed to that of the Right Tackle, is a great start. You want us to talk more? Here's an outstanding conversation piece.

6.) Be subtly slutty. As the old adage goes, men want a woman on the street and a whore in the bed. Never has a truer phrase ever been coined. Refer to number one for starters. Then expound upon it. Your man has a stash of porn and links saved for his favorite porn sites on the home PC. Check them out. Find out what your man's kinks are. You may not be particularly fond of everything, but there may be a tactic or two that will be pleasing to you both.

7.) Stroke his ego. Another no-brainer, really. But if you've been in a relationship for more than a year or two, this tends to get thrown in the drawer with the lingerie you haven't worn in 8 years. We love hearing about how sexy we are, or how good our last tryst in the sack was. Nothing will make our heads swell more or get us to strut like a peacock in full plume.

8.) Learn to cook his favorite meal. It's true that the first way to a man's heart is through his stomach. And his favorite dish may be something that his mother made for him when he was growing up. Even if that raging bitch is someone you'd like to stab with a spork, make the effort to learn her recipe. If for nothing else, he won't force you to join him for Sunday dinner when mom's making her special liver and onions. You can make it yourself.

9.) Understand that not everything needs to be done together. Sure, it's a relationship. And you do want to spend the rest of your life together. That's great. But sometimes, as a stress relief, your man needs to go to that Poker game with his college friends on Friday night. Unless it becomes a weekly habit and he's blowing your child's college savings making ridiculous bets, don't be upset. If it's some penny-ante bullshit, let him blow off steam and have fun.

10.) Know that he's checking out those hot chicks in the mall/bar/sidewalk/PTA meeting. It's in our nature. And we do try to be sly about it so we don't hurt your feelings. I'd recommend either ignoring it or joining in on the fun, if that's your thing. Some men may be creeped out by you joining in on our one deviant pastime, so tread with caution. Who knows? If he's not creeped out, it may ultimately lead to every man's fantasy: The Threesome.