Where's Freud When I Need Him?

Back in my younger days, I used to be able to control my dreams. It started out like flipping a TV channel: If I didn't like what was on, I'd change the station to something more entertaining. I became so good at it that I'd constantly dream of having all of the powers and none of the weaknesses of Superman. I'd fly around saving the day and have wild kinky super-sex with every Victoria's Secret model in Metropolis.

Eventually, this dream controlling ability escaped me. I'm not sure when or why, but nowadays, I'm subject to the whim of my subconscious. Sometimes it's interesting. Sometimes, it's not even worth remembering. And sometimes, like last night, it's so goddamn strange, I honestly believe I'm in need of a psychological evaluation.

Before we begin, let me give a bit of a disclaimer here. I'm not a particularly religious man, so I have no idea where this came from. Perhaps it has something to do with my upbringing in a Catholic house and going to Catholic school for 14 years. Either way, I haven't stepped foot inside a church since 1994 and this was a first for me as far as my dreams are concerned, so it makes it a bit more perplexing. None of this is to say that I have anything against religion, it's just something I don't practice anymore. If you do, more power to you. But please, for the love of everything that's good with the internet, please don't preach to me in the comments about how I'm going to burn in hell. I know I am. I've accepted it. I'm not much looking forward to eternity. But it's my decision. Don't preach.

So without further ado, I bestow upon you my latest dream sequence.

I dreamt about what had to be the greatest conversation ever to take place in the history of mankind. If memory (and Google) serves correctly, the virgin Mary was notified that she was going to give birth to the son of God. You know, the whole Immaculate Conception thing? That story's pretty popular. What isn't widely known is how Mary informed her husband Joseph about the whole affair. My dream laid it out for me.

Mary: Joseph, dear? Can I have a word with you?

Joseph: (sets down hammer and nails) Sure, babe. What's up?

Mary: Well, you know how we've been married for a bit now and we haven't exactly consummated our relationship?

Joseph: Yeah. In fact, I've been meaning to bring that up to you. It's old. The novelty's worn off.

Mary: Yeah, well I was visited by a messenger of God last night. He told me I'm pregnant with the son of God.

Joseph: Jesus Christ!

Mary: Oh, you know?