Newsflash, Ladies: Men Are Pigs

Not too long ago, I took a road trip to Las Vegas with my good buddy, Odogg. The Vegas trip itself is a post-worthy story and one I may eventually get to at some point. But the purpose of this post is to reveal just how pig-like we men can be, since it clearly became a revelation to one of the women that came with us on our venture to Sin City.

Our last night there, six of us went to Olympic Gardens. If you're familiar with OG's, then you know what a happy, happy place it is. Not that I'm particularly big on strip clubs, by the way. As a rule, I have a problem paying for a woman to get naked if there's absolutely zero chance she's at least going to want to see my flabby ass naked as well. But OG's was different and I'm not sure why. Perhaps it was the location. Perhaps it's because I was with some damn good friends. Or maybe it's because it happened to be the first time in my life I'd ever been in a strip club with women. And frankly, there's few things better than seeing a large-breasted woman mash her womanly lovelies into your female companion's face.

But the gal sitting next to me (whom we shall refer to as "A" from here on) was absolutely appalled by what the women were doing to the men and the way the fellas were reacting. For example, Odogg had a fistful of singles in hand when a lovely young lass sauntered over his way. He delicately placed a dollar into her g-string and she had him stand up. She then forced him, face first, onto the stage, bent him over and smacked his ass loud enough to be heard over the thumping bass of whatever hip-hop song happened to be playing at the time. The crowd went nuts.

"A" looked over at me with a perplexed look. "Um, does he know he paid to have his ass beat?" Yep. And he'd do it again in a New York minute if the stripper hadn't gone to someone else for a chance at his dirty money.

I'm not sure why, but this evidently was news to her. It shouldn't have been. We men display this sort of behavior everyday, though perhaps we're not quite that brazen about it outside of the seedier joints we visit.

For example, we could be walking with the love-child of Cindy Crawford and Angelina Jolie. She's not only a 10 on the Hotness Scale, she's also an absolute freak in the bed. We men, with our arm around her and hand placed firmly on her butt, will continue to look at every other woman with a set of boobs that happens to walk by. It's nature, we simply can't control it.

Most men are firmly aware that porn is not something you're interested in, nor are the acts something you really want to try. This doesn't mean we're not going to try to slip in the occasional porn move while we're in the bedroom. Look, if I'm going at it doggy-style with my wife, it doesn't mean I'm not going to pretend it slipped and I'm now going up the poop chute with the hopes that I can give a pearl necklace when all is said and done. I know I shouldn't. I know she's not going to like it. And I know she's probably not going to talk to me for a week while making me sleep on the couch. But there are certain things we're willing to suffer for in able to achieve Porn-Star Status.

Face it, ladies. You can change us and mold us to meet the expectations you placed upon us when you were 8-years old and dreaming of your big, glorious Princess Barbie wedding. And for the most part, we will change. We'll take out the trash. We'll help with the housework. We'll even change poopy diapers. But through it all, no matter how hard you try, we're still pigs. And we like it.