Rock Star Aspirations

Ever since I was young, I've always been around music. Like most folks, when in a car, conversations were cut short when a favorite song came on. The volume was raised slightly and everyone sang along to America's "A Horse With No Name" as we cruised along in our '76 Cadillac. If that doesn't visually describe Americana at its finest, then I'm at a loss.

Anyways, my mom figured I was musically inclined at a young age, so much so, in fact, that she signed me up to take piano lessons when I was 7. While I would've loved to learn to play the piano, at the tender age of 7, I didn't have the patience to be taught by a Polish man that could barely speak English and who smelled like sausage and cabbage. Alas, my piano-learning career came to a sudden stop after only 3 lessons.

My freshman year of high school, my musical aspirations came forward to present themselves yet again. While signing up for classes, I met the choir teacher. Mr. Sokal was a nice guy. Explaining every student's need for at least one year of an artsy-type class, he asked if I was at all artistically inclined. When I told him I could draw stick figures with the best of them, he recommended taking his choir class. Even at 14, I had a deep voice and he was in need of a baritone. Now singing in the car is one thing. Doing it in front of the 800 people I went to school with was something else entirely and I hesitated saying yes. Mr. Sokal said to give it a shot. One year. And if I didn't like it, I was finished with my art requirement and never had to return. So I did it. And returned...my sophomore year, junior year and senior year. Yeah, it was fun. Being one of the few guys in the class, it made it even better. But I was good and, again, the class was fun.

But that was the last opportunity for any kind of musical inclination to present itself to me for quite some time. Sure, I have an innate ability to remember just about every song I ever hear. Lyrics, albums, artists and release date for said albums are registered in my head. It's weird and has garnered many free drinks when placing bets inside bars. But other than that, nothing.

Until a few years ago. On a whim, I decided to head to the local music store and pick up a guitar. I took lessons for about 2 months before life got in the way, but I was figuring out the basics of guitar playing. I'd pick it up and mess around in my spare time, but never got really serious with it. These big meaty fingers simply don't lend themselves too well to channeling my inner Eric Clapton.

Then I found Guitar Hero. Sure, it's a video game. And instead of the typical number of strings and frets, I only have 5 buttons to work. But I was good. Damn good. Clapton had nothing on me and Hendrix would've wept in my presence. So I needed a new challenge.

Enter Rock Band.

Having a few people over this past Friday night, I opted to purchase a game that put me back $180.00. Knowing very little about it, my wife gave me hell for spending that kind of money on a "stupid game." Stupid? Maybe. But we're gonna have some fun tonight!

So my good friend Odogg comes over with his friend Autumn. I had set everything up in the garage and purchased a lot of beer. Because nothing screams "GARAGE BAND!" like being good and drunk while turning the volume up to 11.

Knowing Autumn has the best voice in our group (she had done karaoke with us the week before), she was given the microphone. Odogg wanted to pretend he was Tony Iommi, so he was given the guitar. My wife was absolutely infatuated with the drums. That left me on bass, which I (correctly) assumed would be the easiest spot in the band and which I could direct everyone and let them know how I rock and they all suck.

Going through a number of songs on the Easy mode, we began our tour in our predetermined hometown of Chicago. Every song was well known by everyone in the band, so it was easy to get into a rhythm and Autumn belted them out with authority, earning us 5-star ratings and moving on to bigger and better things, including more money and bigger arenas in which to play.

As time went on and more beer was consumed, I had an epiphany: I now understood why so many bands have so much drama. It may surprise you to know people don't like being told they suck. I know! I was shocked! But it had to happen, for the betterment of the band. So the first person to feel my wrath was our drummer, my wife.

"Honey? No, really, you're doing well. But we keep having to save you from being booed off the stage. Any chance you can kick it into gear?"

Safely dodging the drumsticks being thrown my way, we opted to take a breather and have more beer. Because nothing diffuses a potentially explosive situation like more alcohol.

Getting back to it, we decided to try something a bit harder. Odogg and I are pretty big Rolling Stones fans, so we were excited to see when "Gimme Shelter" came up to play. We had pretty much tapped out on the songs that would be unlocked via Easy mode, so we decided to put everyone on Medium. Hehe.

Bass is still the easiest of the 4 positions available in the game, so I was comfortable. Everyone else? Not so much. Autumn was unfamiliar with the song, so she had a hard time keeping up with the lyrics and the pitch changes. Odogg doesn't exactly have the most nimble fingers for the pseudo-guitar he was playing. And we already went through the troubles my wife was having on Easy mode with the drums.

Naturally, they relied upon me to save their sorry asses again and again until we were eventually kicked off the stage by an angry mob. It was at this point that we decided to call it a night. Blistered hands and bruised egos, we sat down, smoked the hookah, had more beer and eventually called it a night.

And I still had the highest score of all of them. Suckers.