No, I Didn't Mean to Say That Out Loud

I'm technically a pretty nice guy. I get along with a lot of people, I'm rather affable and, for the most part, people I meet seem to like me. Not everybody, but most folks do. See, it turns out I have no internal monologue. If something pops in my head, there's a 99% chance I'm going to say it out loud. This greatly increases my opportunities to get fired from my current place of employment.

Take for example lunch. During the work week, I usually have lunch with a core group of my co-workers. My boss, my supervisor and three women that work in the office with me usually get together around 11am and either eat in our cafeteria or go out to one of the local restaurants for a bite. At any point during our 45 minute lunch break, I'm liable to say something that's going to get my ass reported to human resources or stripped of my badge and shown the door right then and there. It's a pretty tenuous situation, but my lack of an inner voice continually states that I don't give a damn.

Last week, our little group headed to a nearby pizzeria. It was mostly innocuous conversation. Being that I'm the youngest of our group by over a decade, most of their conversations consisted of doctors visits for the latest old-age malady afflicting them. Usually, I tune it out and think happy thoughts of video games, internet porn and inappropriate times/places for masturbation. My boss, the guy that signs my paychecks, asked me why I was so quiet. He does this from time to time when I'm not adding anything to the conversation. He knows what to expect now, so I think he does it for his own amusement more than anything. He also knows (as does the rest of the group) not to ask me anything unless he wants a blunt, honest answer. My response? "Just staring at the rack on the hot brunette that just walked in. Don't bother me. I'm dreaming."

And there was an insanely hot brunette that had entered. Along with a hot blonde and another brunette that didn't quite hit the level of hotness as her two friends. Naturally, my boss and my supervisor both turned around to gape at the two lovelies and their friend. The women in our group began discussing just how big a set of pigs we are, and why they deign to grace us with their presence everyday.

Walking back to the office, we were stopped at an intersection where some young Asian girl was crossing the street wearing a tight black mini skirt and a revealing top. My boss' mouth went agape and the stupid-juice began to flow from the corner of his mouth. He kind of elbowed me to see if I had noticed. "Meh," I said.

"Meh?"

"Yeah, meh. She's a butterface."

"Butterface?"

"Yeah, you know...great body...butterface..." He'd evidently never heard that before because he got one helluva kick out of it.

Whatever. All I know is my mouth has a tendency to rattle things off of its own accord. As happens more often than not, I usually think about what I've said after it's come out and think to myself, "You idiot, this is gonna put you on the unemployment line."

So far, I guess I've just been lucky. That, or my co-workers are easily entertained.