Kneel Before Zod!

Two Superman references in two days? Yeah, I know I'm a geek. I wear it like a badge of honor. But this geek has high aspirations. I have two goals in my life.

1.) To live forever or die trying.
2.) To become dictator of the free world.

That first one is pretty achievable. There's an out-clause there in case of failure. The second one, however, is proving to be a bit more difficult than I could've imagined. It seems people don't want a dictator. Who knew? But that hasn't stopped me from trying.

See, when I become dictator, I have plans that should make this world a far greater place than it currently is. Sure, some (read, many) people will be...displaced (?), but it's all for the greater good.

Because people love lists, I've created one with my plans for ruling supreme once everyone realizes what a great and awesome guy I am.

1.) All stupid people will die. This is where we start putting lifeguards back in the gene pool. Sure, it may put an end to the incessant e-mails regarding the Darwin Award recipients, but then we'd no longer have people suing the manufacturer of some random toaster because they weren't aware they couldn't make bagels while taking a bath without incurring serious injury. I'll need help enforcing this one. Apply now.

2.) English will be the language of the land. This isn't to say your native language is outlawed. I'm no xenophobe, for cryin' out loud. It's just that we need a standard language to ensure the stupid people understand why they're going to be...displaced. Or maybe not. I'm still on the fence about the reasoning, but the rule will still be applicable.

3.) Religion won't be outlawed, but using it as an excuse will no longer be permitted. Want to blow up our buildings with airplanes because your "god" told you to? Nuh uh. Not allowed. Want to take two weeks off at the end of the year to celebrate the birth of your savior? Take two weeks off, but do it because of the commercialism and celebrate the amount of money that will go into my personal coffers. Not because of some religious holiday. No more excuses, people.

4.) Despite my rantings in rules 1-3, I will be a mostly kind and benevolent leader. As such, Saturday and Sunday are now considered the work week. Monday through Friday are the weekend. All government holidays will be observed on a Monday or Friday, whichever is closest to the actual date of the holiday. Your rate of pay will remain the same. See, I'm a nice dictator. You're welcome.

5.) Because everyone in the world will be under my thumb, taxes will also go down. Everyone will pay the same amount. $1.00 per day is not unreasonable. And with 6 billion people in the world, I think I'll still be able to maintain my opulent lifestyle. This is subject to change based upon the softness of my mattress o' money.


All things considered, I think you'll like me as your new leader. I'll make sure you're not bothered by the ignorant anymore. I'll make sure when you go to Paris and order that fine French cuisine, you can do it in your native tongue. I'll remove religious excuses and ridiculously long work weeks, all the while lowering your taxes. This is a workable situation, folks. Now all you've got to do is start calling me Zod. And kneel before me.