My Favorite Things

Last night, while sipping a few tasty beverages and searching the internet for something remotely interesting in an attempt to cure a chronic case of boredom, I began thinking about my childhood and how things that I considered "My Favorite Things" have changed over the years. While the breadth and scope of these items have changed due to the nature of my life at the time, their simplicity cannot be overstated.

This may speak volumes about men in general and how we're so damned easily amused.

But I digress.

When I was growing up, I had hours upon hours of entertainment with action figures. Between my dozens of GI Joe action figures (with the Kung Fu grip!) fighting epic battles with the Star Wars figures I collected, I was able to keep myself amused for days with these 3 1/4" tall toys. Setting them up on the rails leading up to my bedroom and shooting them down the stairs with a rubber dart gun, picking them up and repeating the process would entertain my friends and I in such a manner that my parents would often try to sneak up on us to see if we were doing anything unbecoming of two young men left to their own devices. This would usually end with my father getting a rubber dart stuck to his forehead as he scared the ever-loving crap out of us.

Eventually I grew out of my fascination with these plastic toys and immersed myself completely and totally into the mysterious world of girls. Hormones raging to uncontrollable levels, I distinctly remember the first time I tried to remove my girlfriend's bra. You know those cheesy sit-coms that show young men and their futile attempts to remove the over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders? They're not so cheesy when they're true. Trust me.

And this led to my second "favorite thing": The front-clasp bra. When I first saw this wondrous invention, it occurred to me that I would no longer have to ever take my grubby paws off my girlfriend's wondrous boobs. It was the single greatest thing ever! (I'd add a picture of this as well, but it's become apparent that women are not permitted to shop for lingerie on my employer's dime since all of those sites are blocked as well.)

I'm still a big fan of those bras. And boobs. That fascination has never truly left. But now that I'm a bit older and more worldly (and have mastered the art of the behind-the-back clasp while still grubbily grasping and pawing the boob with my other hand), I have settled on my current "favorite thing": The twist-off bottle cap.

I am, by nature, not a beer snob, hence the picture of a bottle of ambrosia sitting to the left. I'd

have grabbed a picture of my preferred choice of the Budweiser family, Bud Lite, but oddly enough, I was unable to locate such a picture on the parent company's website. Go figure.

Regardless, anything that makes my life easier (Kung Fu grips, front-snapping bras and twist-off caps) will quickly become my "favorite thing." Making a bottle opener completely unnecessary was the single greatest thing the good folks in St. Louis have done with their wonderful concoction of barley and hops.

Now I'm trying to think of how I could possibly combine these three things to make what would not only be my new "favorite thing", but also the Perfect Thing (capitalized for effect). If I were able to have the wife maintain a Kung Fu grip (to hold the bottle with the twist-off cap and other...phallic objects, when necessary) while wearing a front-snapping bra, I will realize I have died and gone to Man Heaven.