Shopping Malls: Denizens of Evil

Last night, the wife wanted to go to the mall to buy more garbage that we don't need. Normally, I'd put up a mild protest about spending money we don't have on what will inevitably turn out to be dust collectors. However, when she told me she wanted me to go along as well, I simply burst into tears.

I hate the mall. It's an evil, evil place. Fortunately, we still have 8.5 months until Christmas, so we're not forced into those crowds. But the fact that I have to walk past a billion non-conformists all ironically shopping for the same exact clothes at Hot Topic is enough to make me want to gouge my eyes out with a spork. And it's not like there's an electronics store where I can wile away the hour as my wife spends our hard-earned money, so I'm stuck going to Baby Gap or some such nonsense.

After she had purchased all the things she wanted, we opted to grab some dinner in the food court. A few options existed for our dining fare. There was the always present and tactfully clothed employees at Hot Dog On a Stick, Jarrod's favorite hangout at Subway, some Chinese food place that advertised a lack of MSG in their food and the most vile tasting pizza ever to be named a pizza:

I'm hardly a pizza snob. In fact, I find Domino's to be one of the greatest dining fares ever to exist. And since I don't even need to talk to a human being and still have the perfect pizza delivered to my door within 30 minutes, it's become even better.

But Sbarro's is nothing more than cardboard with tomato paste and a few slices of faux-pepperoni.

And my wife wanted it. Again, normally we're fine with eating at different places while in the mall. I'll spot her a $20 and have her go about her way as I go mine. But since she was holding the baby, I couldn't very well leave her to her own devices as she tried to manage holding a 5 foot slice of pie, a soda and a 9-month old grabbing for it all while I took off in the hopes of having a few french fries with my corn dog. So I took one for the team and had to order from the same place.

It'd been a number of years since I'd eaten there. And it's still as bad. The pizza was cold, the meat was rubbery and the cheese was hard. If I knew any better, I'd say the same pizza had been sitting under the heat lamp since last week.

Yes, that was how my pizza looked. No, as I said, it was not warm.

I then proceeded to tell my wife that if she ever forced me to eat at this place again, I would deem it a divorcable offense and take it upon myself to get in touch with my lawyer. I want half.

Most Overrated Bands. Ever.

This should be a rather polarizing topic. It sure is whenever I bring it up in conversation with my musically inclined friends and family. So without getting into some long and lame intro, let's get right into what I think are the top 5 most overrated bands/groups/singers in the history of Classic Rock.

1.) AC/DC - Really. I'm not joking. I hate them. With the fire and fury of a thousand burning suns. Every song sounds exactly the same. And if you've ever seen the comedy stand-up skit that Jim Breuer does where he parodies AC/DC singing the Hokey Pokey, you may understand my disdain for them.

2.) Aerosmith - This is the one that usually fires up my friends. They're mostly big fans. And I'll concede the band may have been good at one point in time. But that was when Steven Tyler and Joe Perry were so addled with drugs that nothing made sense. However, for their health, they felt the need to clean up and their music suffered as a result. I submit the song "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing", the sappy ballad from the movie Armageddon, as Evidence A.

3.) ZZ Top - I don't hate every song they've ever done, just about 99% of it. They're famous for their beards, which speaks volumes about the quality of their music (with the exception of La Grange, which I thoroughly enjoy). Were it not for MTV when they actually played music, these guys would've faded out by the mid-80's and the musical scene would have been better for it.

4.) Queen - When they come on the radio, I turn the channel. And if I have to hear "We Will Rock You/We Are the Champions" one more time, somebody's going to get hurt.

5.) David Bowie - Often viewed as a musical pioneer, this guy bugs the crap out of me. Maybe it's the whole androgynous thing he's got going on, but the look, the music and his voice grate on my last nerve. Add in Freddie Mercury, the frontman for Queen, in their duet "Under Pressure" (a song that was so bad, Vanilla Ice stole the beat) and it's unbearable.

I know a lot of music. I listen to all different kinds and have an uncanny ability to remember the lyrics to most songs the first or second time I hear it. I don't consider myself a music snob, per se, but these 5 are just plain bad.

Random Post

10 Things Every Man Wants From the Woman In His Life

Ladies, it's come to my attention that women's magazines aren't going anywhere any time soon. Things like Cosmopolitan, Allure and Marie Claire are determined to sully grocery store aisles for all of eternity, promising to fill your head with the idea that your man truly wants to be in touch with his inner emotions.

This, naturally, is hogwash.

We don't like most of our emotions, which may explain why we usually display an impassive demeanor as you discuss the latest episode of "Oprah's Big Give." Yeah, it's a nice gesture. But she's the richest woman in the world. She can afford to buy that poor family an SUV, though they'll never be able to afford the gas to drive it.

As a public service for any of my female readers that happen to stumble upon this little wasteland of the internet, I shall provide you with 10 things that men do truly want. Feel free to use them in your manipulation tactics. Yes, we know you use them on us. We just don't really give a damn.

1.) We like lingerie. This shouldn't be any kind of state secret. But if you buy a flimsy negligee for $100 only to stuff it in the back of your drawer, it doesn't mean a whole lot to us. Bring that babydoll outfit out every once in a while. Entice us. We like how it looks on you, even if you're not particularly enamored with your body.

2.) Surprise us with gifts. Yes, this is something that goes both ways. We sometimes surprise you with flowers or candy or take you on a shopping spree for the latest springwear. Naturally, we don't care for flowers. They die. And candy's nice, but unless she's a stripper and you're willing to do a threesome with her, we can get a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup at our work vending machine. Grab a couple tickets for the local baseball team that's playing on Friday night. Go with us. And at least pretend to be interested.

3.) Stop asking us the no-win questions. "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?" "Do you think she's pretty?" Goddamn, these suck! If we say no, we're lying. If we say yes, we're insensitive. It's a Catch-22 for men. Please avoid these as if your life with us depended on it.

4.) Be open about your sexual desires. Men are typically the dominant ones when it comes to initiating sex. For the most part, that's fine. But if you've never made the effort to get your loved one in the sack, don't be surprised if your sex life suffers as a result. Men will reach a point where it's just not worth the effort and resort to internet porn. This may be a suitable option for you sometimes, and that's ok too. But eventually it gets old. For both of us.

5.) Learn sports. There are some women out there that are worlds smarter than some men when it comes to this topic. Clearly, I'm not talking about you. But for the women that don't know the difference between the World Series and the Super Bowl, it would behoove you to learn a bit more about a topic that excites us. I'm not saying you should learn the intricacies of the Quarterback Option, but knowing what the QB's role is, as opposed to that of the Right Tackle, is a great start. You want us to talk more? Here's an outstanding conversation piece.

6.) Be subtly slutty. As the old adage goes, men want a woman on the street and a whore in the bed. Never has a truer phrase ever been coined. Refer to number one for starters. Then expound upon it. Your man has a stash of porn and links saved for his favorite porn sites on the home PC. Check them out. Find out what your man's kinks are. You may not be particularly fond of everything, but there may be a tactic or two that will be pleasing to you both.

7.) Stroke his ego. Another no-brainer, really. But if you've been in a relationship for more than a year or two, this tends to get thrown in the drawer with the lingerie you haven't worn in 8 years. We love hearing about how sexy we are, or how good our last tryst in the sack was. Nothing will make our heads swell more or get us to strut like a peacock in full plume.

8.) Learn to cook his favorite meal. It's true that the first way to a man's heart is through his stomach. And his favorite dish may be something that his mother made for him when he was growing up. Even if that raging bitch is someone you'd like to stab with a spork, make the effort to learn her recipe. If for nothing else, he won't force you to join him for Sunday dinner when mom's making her special liver and onions. You can make it yourself.

9.) Understand that not everything needs to be done together. Sure, it's a relationship. And you do want to spend the rest of your life together. That's great. But sometimes, as a stress relief, your man needs to go to that Poker game with his college friends on Friday night. Unless it becomes a weekly habit and he's blowing your child's college savings making ridiculous bets, don't be upset. If it's some penny-ante bullshit, let him blow off steam and have fun.

10.) Know that he's checking out those hot chicks in the mall/bar/sidewalk/PTA meeting. It's in our nature. And we do try to be sly about it so we don't hurt your feelings. I'd recommend either ignoring it or joining in on the fun, if that's your thing. Some men may be creeped out by you joining in on our one deviant pastime, so tread with caution. Who knows? If he's not creeped out, it may ultimately lead to every man's fantasy: The Threesome.

Theories of a Madman

Have you ever been drunk to the point you don't remember certain parts of a particular evening? And the next day, a friend informs you of some of the more embarrassing things that you were able to accomplish amongst friends, family and complete strangers?

Yeah, me neither.

But a friend of mine had this happen over the course of the weekend. Blitzed out of her mind, she began snogging some random guy in the bar. She, of course, denies remembering any of this, which is all well and good. However, she sent a text to me yesterday apologizing for her behaviour. Seeing as she was simply having a good time and was among friends, none of us would've let anything happen to her. But she claimed to be a "mental and emotional wreck" the following day. So I told her my theory on the evolution of alcohol and why apologies are rarely necessary for drunken make-out sessions with random people.

I believe during the prehistoric era, primitive man ruled supreme (except for those pesky T-Rex guys). When primitive man came home from a hard day of hunting/gathering, he wanted nothing more than dinner on his cave floor and a little lovin' from primitive woman. Should either of those two things be unavailable when primitive man wanted them, he'd grab his club and bash primitive woman over the top of the head. Not hard enough to kill, mind you. But hard enough to maybe knock her out so primitive man could do whatever kinky sexual things he wanted to that primitive woman would never allow if she were awake and cognizant.

Eventually, primitive woman would awaken and wonder what the hell just happened. And at some point, she got wise. Looking at primitive man's club, she realized it was nothing more than a stick, something she could find outside of her cave and heave just as well as primitive man. When he came back from his busy day of hunting/gathering, she whacked him a good one, just because she could. She wouldn't have to cook for him that evening and, dammit, he'd keep his grubby hands off of her. It would be a restful night for primitive woman.

When primitive man woke up with one helluva headache, he realized primitive woman had gotten too smart for him. He had to devise something else to make her succumb to his manly charms. This ultimately led to the invention of alcohol.

Making the first still out of rocks, twigs and dinosaur hide, the resulting alcohol probably tasted more like animal dung than what we have today, but considering it was 200 proof booze, taste didn't much matter. A good, strong whiff was enough to guarantee a raging hangover the following day.

Now, when primitive man came home from his long day of hunting/gathering, he'd ensure the still had prepared a stiff drink for primitive woman. Early on, she'd drink it willingly. After time, peer pressure was required. Either way, primitive man was certain to score that evening. Primitive woman would still wake up the next day with the same headache, but the bruising and bleeding from being clubbed over the head came to a stop, so she had that going for her. Which was nice.

Now, tens of thousands of years later, not much has changed. Guy wants to score with his significant other, but knows there's no chance, he'll get her lit up on Jaegermeister and Red Bull.

I suspect this is what happened to my friend this past weekend. As such, she owed me no apology.

Though, if I were a true friend, I probably would've been there to offer a couple aspirin the next day.