A Cure for Depression

We've all been there, that darkest of dark places. You feel as if no one in the world cares for you or understands what it is you're going through. No amount of prescription medication or time in the therapist's chair will be able to pull you out of your funk.

I'm here to tell you that you're not alone. And you don't need to pay any high-falutent quack a billion dollars an hour to fix the jumbled thoughts that make up your brain. This simple procedure was developed by me and my friend Seth many years ago during a similar experience to that described above.

See, at the time, both of our girlfriends had decided we weren't worth the effort anymore. Apparently, we were both too geeky for them and lowered their coolness level in each of our rather clique-ish high schools.

Life does not get much lower for a teenage boy when the doofy girl you're with decides you're too doofy for her.

So we were dumped. And we were in the dumps. For weeks. How do we leave this miserable state of mind behind?

Clearly, paying for therapy while making $4.50 an hour washing dishes at the local Ponderosa wasn't an option. And valium was a little tough to find. (However, pot and crack were on just about every street corner. Thank God we never hit that up!)

This left us with one option: Find your happy place.

Remember the scene from Happy Gilmore where Chubbs is telling Happy to find his happy place? He sees his grandmother winning at the slot machine, the midget running around with the wooden pony and the PR chick dressed in her white corset and looking sexy as hell? It works along those lines.

Except our version wasn't nearly that detailed.

You see, we went back to simpler times. Times when eating paste and flicking boogers was the true order of the day.

That's right, folks. We went back to kindergarten.

Our method is guaranteed to cure your depression. All you need to do is find a picture of a cow. This one will work just fine.

Circling this picture is not guaranteed to cure your depression. But it may help.

Now head to your nearest Walmart or Target and buy the fattest crayons they sell. Remember the ones you used in kindergarten? Yeah, those ones.

Draw a circle around the cow like you used to do in kindergarten. Repeat as necessary.

It'll work, I promise. Your depression will be gone because you'll be laughing hysterically about how pathetically easy this entire procedure was. And all you had to do was buy a $3.00 box of crayons.